


HOW'S THE COMA GOING

by Ossicle



Category: One Piece
Genre: Concussions, Don't yell at people with concussions plz, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Protectiveness, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 07:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ossicle/pseuds/Ossicle
Summary: Kidd and Penguin keep trying to murder each other and Law is done with their shit. He assigns them to take care of each other’s injuries so they’ll learn to get along. It doesn’t work.





	HOW'S THE COMA GOING

**Author's Note:**

> Here are some indulgent hijinks in my favourite formula: KidLaw + protective third-wheel first mate. Set sometime during timeskip, who knows. 
> 
> Warnings: Moderate violence and injuries, nothing graphic.
> 
> Also: My laptop (my LIFE) fucking died and I can’t update my other KidLaw series with the new chapter I was all excited about until I get the files recovered GAH! I’m just angrily banging out little drafts on my phone to comfort myself, so this has more CAPS and fewer grammars than whatever whatever okay start--

Penguin was getting flung through the air _again_ but, you know what, this was actually a victory overall. He got a reaction! Hah! He hit the frigid water with only a couple of minor regrets. Pffwaahh, nose full of water was one. Two: he should have made sure Law was looking this time, then Kidd would totally be in trouble.

“You’re insane. You’re actually fucking insane, did you know that?” Kidd growled down from the submarine’s surface deck as the skinny nerd surfaced from the foam. This was the third time he’d thrown him in the sea in two days and Kidd thought that was showing restraint.

“You wanna come down here and say that? Eustass? Buddy, I will fight you any day of the week pal.”

“Hasn’t been working out too well for you so far. _God_. I’d send you and this entire batshit crew to the bottom if I weren’t so BUSY, y’know, _banging your captain_ ”

“AAARGHSHUTUP NO.” Penguin covered his ears and dove under the water. God, that asshole was everywhere! In _his_ sub, filling the passageways with that huge dumb spiky frame, polluting the air with that stupid maniac laugh, getting all over _his_ captain--

Beneath the waves, the bridge crew was watching him from the submarine’s forward portal with mild alarm. Penguin balled up his fists and bubbled _Eustass fucking Kidd!_ They all kinda shrugged and shook their heads.

\---

Penguin returned the favor the next day with a perfectly executed flying kick that sent Kidd straight over the rail and into the sea and it was glorious! For a second. Then the dense lout was, well, sinking. Pretty fast, actually -- the red hair was only a receding swirl now. Oops. Penguin drummed his palms on the railing and gave it all some serious thought.

“Penguin-ya,” said a voice next to his ear.

Penguin fucking froze.

“Peng, turn around.”

Penguin turned around.

His captain regarded him levelly from two inches away and nodded toward the patch of bubbles. “Go and get Eustass-ya.”

Penguin hesitated. “Wouldn’t it, uh, be faster to… if you…?” he made his ‘magic hands’ gesture.

Law gave him a fond smile. “But you’re gonna do it, Peng.”

Penguin went and got Kidd out of the water. Yeah, this… was the only way his little stunt could have ended up, now that he thought about it.

The man was easily twice his size but Penguin could swim like he was born to water. He lugged the deadweight up to the surface and looped the rope supplied by Bepo under its arms. Law waited while Penguin sullenly went through the ‘drowned devil fruit user’ procedure he’d drilled into all of them himself. It was all just fine -- not even that much water to drain out of his lungs and then Kidd was breathing on his own (that’s what coughing meant) and everything was great, geez.

Law knelt down and brushed wet tendrils out of Kidd’s face as the red eyes slid open and found his.

“-onna kill... fckn’ first mate,” Kidd hacked.

“Okay so...” Penguin figured he was done here.

Law wasn’t gonna let him off yet, though. “Well handled. Sooo now, stage two: you get to monitor him hourly for signs of secondary drowning.” It was a distinct danger with fruit users, weakened as they were by seawater.

“Like FUCK.” Kidd spoke for both of them.

“Peng-ya will submit hourly reports for the rest of the day, to make sure you don’t uh, drown standing up. So, try to practice interacting in a reasonable way, guys.”

“Captain, but he’s fine and! Not-really-injured! Prolly won’t let me take his vitals anyway.” Penguin tried.

“You’ll figure something out.” Law stood up and addressed Penguin up close again, lowly, “You _know_ better than to damage my things, Peng-ya.” Penguin shuffled and nodded.

“You too, asshole,” he added. “Stop chucking my first mate overboard.”

Kidd shrugged and spit out some more seawater.

\---

So Penguin made a point of ninja-ing up behind Kidd every hour for the rest of the day and asking suddenly if he’d FUCKING DROWNED YET. And then writing it down. Kidd was pretty on edge about that and the whole drowning thing in general. But he didn’t try to kill the guy, which was big of him.

Penguin’s whole ‘fight-me’ thing had been just bizarre form the start. They both knew the willowy bastard wasn’t gonna win a fist fight against a devil fruit user a head taller than him, who carried around Penguin’s entire body weight in muscle. Ninja moves or no. Both also knew Kidd couldn’t do any real damage aboard Law’s ship. Maybe Penguin was counting on this, because he got right up in Kidd’s face every time he felt the rival captain was getting too comfortable.

In any case, Penguin held off on his fisticuffs bluster until the required observation period was over. Law hoped maybe he was gonna calm down in general -- back off on the ‘tragic guardian of Law’s virtue’ thing. (Law’s virtue was a ship _well_ and truly sailed by now.)

But nah. Over breakfast, Penguin caught sight of a whole slew of little bruises all up Law’s hip and toned stomach as his shirt lifted a bit, and he resolved anew to fucking set Kidd straight on a few things.

\---

The bullshit leading up to the ‘fight’ wasn’t that remarkable. It also wasn’t remarkable that Kidd eventually just picked Penguin up and threw him. Only this time, he fucking whipped him headfirst at the very solid, very metal engine room door, and not at a big soft ocean. They both realized they were screwed the second Penguin was airborne.

There was a very loud crack.

“Oh. Shit.” Kidd reflected.

“Nnnnnyeah?” Penguin slurred.

“Aw fuck.” Kidd looked around as though he might find someone else to blame for this.

Penguin sat there all dazed, and oozed blood from under his flappy hat.

\---

Kidd fully expected to get thrown into or out of a door himself when he stomped into Law’s office with a limp Penguin slung over his shoulder dripping red all down the hall. Law just told him to _stay_ while he put his first mate back together.

His trademark billed hat was now a blood sponge. Oops. Penguin squirmed when Law coaxed it off, even more than when getting the stitches. His face, once revealed from under its shadow, was broad and smooth. He was just a bit paler than Law, dark hair fine and long where Law’s was was thick and tousled, but both had grey eyes.

Law ran some tests while Penguin winced and grumbled indistinctly.

“Concussion,” was the diagnosis, as the poor guy emptied his guts into a handy bucket. Law held his hair for him, smoothing lightly over stray strands.

“Well, usually takes a few more knocks to get to ‘vegetable,’ right?” Kidd mused. His crew had its own concussion tally.

“Fahck.” Penguin swore, and hurled again.

“One can be enough. This one looks bad, and there’s no way to tell how bad until ‘vegetable’ happens, so we’ll have to watch him closely. We keep him awake for the next few hours, and then _you_ check on him every two hours overnight.”

“Fck, ‘m tired, wan sleep,” their patient decided.

“NO, no sleeping, Peng-ya.”

“YOU’RE the fucking doctor, YOU check him,” Kidd argued. “Don’t make this some bullshit punishment. I’m not your damned subordinate.”

“It’s not a punishment it’s just what you need to do to fix this! YOU hurt MY first mate.” Law’s composure snapped. “As a guest aboard MY ship.”

“Like he’s been asking for since I got on board!” Kidd shot back.

Law leaned up close into his face. “I don’t give a fuck about his antics, Eustass-ya. When I invited you here I assured my crew that they’d be safe. YOU assured me they’d be safe. Listen to me: the moment he stops breathing or slips into a coma… I _promise._ You will find yourself, without warning, dangling from a rope in the sea.”

Kidd snapped with bared teeth, “You’d better do it while I’m sleeping because I promise YOU th--”

Penguin made a woozy little sound. “Capn I love you, yknow?”

They startled and looked at him. He found some more guts to puke up.

 _Oh, jesus._ Kidd winced on his behalf.

“Okay Peng-ya.” Law was kind of at a loss.

“Yr ‘ _mazing_. Jus got this thing lllike…”

“Aaand you’re done.” Law cut him off and proceeded gallantly to forget he’d heard anything.

Things were tense while they kept Penguin awake, prodding him and exchanging casual insults, until Law deemed him unlikely to suddenly drop. Fortunately he didn’t remember much of anything about his treatment, and his blurted… whatever. He was pretty much back to sassy coherence after a couple hours and could walk in a straight line after three, so Kidd didn’t know what the problem was. He’d proclaim one of his own men battle-ready at this point.

\---

Law was completely serious about Kidd waking Penguin up every two hours overnight though. Kidd was resigned to this chore, but there was no way was he gonna be all nursemaid about it.

Penguin’s bunkmates had scattered to other sleeping locations after the first time Kidd had stomped in, just after midnight, leaning in close to the snoring first mate and just hollering:

“ARE YOU A VEGETABLE YET.”

“ _NO,_ I AM NOT A _FUCKING VEGETABLE._ ” Penguin desperately stuffed a pillow over his head.

“THAT’S JUST WHAT A VEGETABLE WOULD SAY.”

Penguin groaned pathetically from under the pillow. Okay, duty done. Kidd walked all the goddamn way back to the other end of the sub and assumed his spot beside Law with as much huffing and shuffling as possible. If he had to do this, Law and everyone else on the sub was gonna feel the pain too.

\---

Law shoved him awake again two hours later and he trudged all the way back again.

“ARE YOU STILL ALIVE.”

“YES AND I _WISH TO GOD_ I WEREN’T.”

“I CAN STILL FIX THAT.”

Law was awake and amused when he returned. “You can just stay in Peng's room until your sentence is up if you want. You'll lose less sleep.”

“Oh fuck no, I am not getting kicked out of the captain’s bed so I can go camp out with his shitty pet."

Law laughed into his pillow.

\---

Two hours later:

“HOW’S THE COMA GOING.”

“TERRIFIC. _PLEASE_ TRY ONE YOURSELF.”

“MIGHT DO.”

“ _GREAT_.”

\---

He was looking pretty pathetic next time Kidd thudded in, around dawn, but it was probably the interrupted sleep more than anything.

“HEY PENGUIN.”

“Fck off, ‘m inna coma here, ugh.”

“Oh shit, are you slurring again?”

“Nuh.”

“PENGUIIIIIIIIN.”

“NO I AM NOT SLURRING I HAVE PERFECT STYLE AND DICTION.”

“YOU HAVE WONKY FUCKING DICTION TO BEGIN WITH AND _EVERYONE KNOWS IT._ ”

\---

The rest of the ship was up but Law said to let Penguin sleep in, barring the bi-hourly interruptions. Kidd munched toast and groggily kicked him. He hadn’t actually slept well between his checkins. He was still a little fatigued from his brush with the ocean, too -- probably some water still sloshing around in there.

“Tossing your sorry carcass was just not fucking worth it,” he griped.

Penguin peeked up with eyes narrowed against the subsurface daylight. “That an apology, Eustass?”

Kidd chewed. “NO.”

\---

Kidd was about to fall asleep on his feet. This was worse than just not sleeping at all, GOD. Law shoved him lightly and grinned when his towering mass actually tipped a little.

“Enjoying my suffering, asshole?”

Law snorted. “Yeah, it’s why I keep you around.”

“And to babysit your stupid crew cuz you can’t be bothered to see if they’re alive yourself?”

“Oh,” Law cocked his head at Kidd and smiled like he was explaining physics to a cat, “oh nono, I can totally scan my entire crew and their vitals in like, two seconds. Haha, it’s really easy; I don’t even really have to be awake. Naw, this is for _your_ and Peng’s benefit.”

“Oh you son of a bitch.”

\---

Penguin slitted an eye open and frowned at the sleepy redhead sitting on the floor and leaning against his bunk. He muttered, “Eustass, I fucking hate you, you know?”

“Shut the fuck up and work on that coma, Penguin.”

\---

Law slipped in later to get some blackmail-material pictures but let them sleep.


End file.
